Episode 11: "Hard Day's Night"

NOTE: Make sure to include Christmas references around. Maybe for the demon guys, it can be signs for the ... thing that Giles had in the Magic Box. The Ascension of Something-Something or whatever it was. Since they probably don't celebrate Christmas.

A montage of scenes. Buffy, Faith and Kennedy are leading a group of Slayers against a gang of monsters. There is much slicing and dicing. Monster parts go flying, Slayers are doing their thing. After a few moments of this, things magically stop, a demon head sailing through the air ceases its travel, a quizzical look on its now decapitated face. Our image settles on Buffy, terrifying, teeth gritted, and holding a really big axe.

In front of the frozen image (which we now see is a television) steps the Boss, a formidable looking demon. Not as tall or as large as others we've seen, but impressively dressed and bearing the hint of intelligence on his brow.

His description through the shadows in 8x05 was 'well-dressed, slightly reddish'. He was all shadowy so we didn't give him much definition. His voice was 'refined, inspiring, and contained just a hint of malice'.

BOSS
Slayers. Our enemies. We all hate them. Time was this city was ours, now we're practically in the middle of a turf war with a bunch of little girls.

There is a murmur of agreement amongst the crowd. A few voices grumble about the Slayers.

BOSS
But that's okay. There've been some setbacks, but this doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. Heck, it might even be one of the best things that's happened to us.

The voices again murmur their agreement. Some "Yeah!"s in there. Then suddenly, the demons seem to actually listen to what the Boss has said and start to disagree.

BOSS
Yeah, we owned this city, and no one could stand up to us. And we all started to get soft. (he points out into the crowd) Admit it, G'thanj, we can all see the flab you've developed over the last year. (he points at the other side) And you, Mariad. You probably couldn't bend a steel girder to save your life now.

The crowd continues to murmur. Some agree, some disagree. The slower among them don't even know what he's getting at.

BOSS
Bottom line is, this city belongs to us and we're going to reclaim it. These Slayers who come in and threaten to kill and maim honest demons just trying to put in a hard night's evil. It's time that we struck back!

At this point, everyone in the crowd agrees. There are cheers all around. An unseen entity throws a jagged and exotic looking weapon, which impales itself into the television, exactly where the frozen Buffy had been.

ACT 1

The Boss and Norg are walking through the halls of the organization. There isn't a whole lot going on in the organization itself; the gathering has broken up and demons, devils and the like have gone out to do their thing.

NORG
And I think the thpeeth went over very well.

BOSS
Thanks. Now how are things as far as numbers go. Don't go blood-coating it or anything, either.

NORG
In thpite of the Thlayerth'th many, uh, thlayingth, memberthip is up.

The two of them pass what could be considered an educational room. Various tomes line the shelves, and some posters hang on the wall. Notable mention is a "food pyramid" with kittens, babies, brains, hearts and blood filling up some of the respective spots. Maybe this is a cafeteria? Learning about the food pyramid is pretty low down on the educational ladder.

BOSS
Seriously?

Norg nods.

BOSS
Well, I'll be damned. (beat) Literally. Make a note to put Jesson down for a raise. Looks like his marketing campaign paid off.

NORG
Lookth like it.

BOSS
Who would have thought. That whole "So Evil Your Own Mother Will Hate You" theme would bring people in? (beat) Well, I didn't.

NORG
But—

BOSS
Ah, I knew this line of talk was too good to be true. What's the catch?

They pass a workout style room. A pair of blue, scaled demons throw around the equivalent of a medicine ball, except that it's a smooth, polished boulder instead, weighing at least half a ton. Off to the side, a different breed of demon appears to be a "coach."

COACH
Come on, you worms! Be'the'las would be ashamed to know you represent his forces in this dimension!

NORG
Due to all the Thlayerth many thlayingth, almotht nobody can make quotath. Ith hurting morale.

BOSS
No big surprise there. Membership up, but acts of mayhem and violence down due to interference? You got missed quotas.

NORG
Ath a rethult, there ith talk on the floor about lowering the quotath...

BOSS
Sure, because that's what I want to do. I lower the goals because of this, next thing you know, nobody'll be hitting their marks, just so they can get them even lower.

NORG
A very good point.

BOSS
See, the solution isn't to expect less out of people, but to give them the reason and tools to achieve more.

NORG
Wow, that'th deep.

BOSS
Yeah, I tell ya, that Demonic Leadership seminar was some of the best money I spent this year. I feel charged up. We're going to kick this place into high gear.

They pass a room marked "Counseling." A sign on the closed door reads "Therapy Session in Progress, Do Not Disturb." After Norg and the Boss pass by, maybe have someone get thrown through the door? Then have the therapist appear through the doorway, yelling to the demon about how they're a pansy loser and nobody loves them.

BOSS
So, what else have we got going on?

NORG
Thorry to report, Clark didn't pay hith memberthip dueth again.

BOSS
That's two months in a row, right?

NORG
Yeth, thir.

BOSS
He give a reason?

NORG
Thomthing about not retheiving proper benefith from the group. That he wath ethpecting more protecthion from Thlayerth. But rumor hath it that he hath thomthing of a gambling iththue.

BOSS
That so?

NORG
Indeed.

BOSS
Well, regardless of the reason, two months is two months. Clark knows the rules as well as the rest of us do. And without rules, we're just a chaotic bunch of monsters running around, you know?

NORG
Yeth, thir.

BOSS
We'll have to see to it that becomes an example of what to not do... Eh, you know what I mean.

NORG
Underthood, thir.

A gathering of demons, vampires, and other unclassifiable things. This is a larger group than we saw earlier, easily numbering over a half hundred. They sit, amicably chatting, some in tongues that we can't even understand.

DEMON #1
But how do you get yours to remain tender? I find that once I disembowel, the innards become tough within a matter of...

VAMPIRE #1 (FEMALE)
So I tell him, "Stick it where the sun shines, pal!"

The boss walks into the room. Everyone continues their chatting.

BOSS
Ladies and gentlemen, can I get your attention?

No one pays him any attention. They continue on.

VAMPIRE #2
"...and the first vamp says 'Do you realize what's at stake here?' Get it? 'Stake' here?"

BOSS
Okay, and all the rest of you, too. Time to call this meeting to order. (Or at least a more organized form of chaos.)

Voices start piping down. The crowd quiets.

We may need a more forceful reason why they're quieting down now. Or have them settle down as soon as the Boss enters. Nothing's really changed from the first time he speaks to the last, so why are they listening to him now? .....oh, wait, it's that 'ladies and gentlemen' joke. Yeah, that doesn't work. :)

BOSS
Thanks. I know the past few months have been rough for us all, and this month isn't going to be any different. Since the Slayers have come in and set up shop, seems like you can't swing a kitten—or eat one, for that matter—without one of them showing up to cause trouble.

A rather small-looking demon on one side of the crowd speaks out.

SMALL DEMON
Tell me about it. Just last week I had to fight two of those brats.

Several members of the crowd turn to look at him. Dubious expressions all around.

SMALL DEMON
Okay, so I had to run away from two of those brats. Whatever. You get the point.

BOSS
We all hear you. We feel your pain. But things don't have to be like this. I'm confident that with hard work and perseverance, we can stand strong and show these Slayers what's what, that we're not going to take it.

A vampire in center raises his hand.

BOSS
Yes, Jim.

VAMPIRE
Uh, how exactly are we going to do that? I mean, yeah, they're little girls and all, but they're pretty strong and there's a bunch of them.

BOSS
It's true. They have numbers, they have speed, they have strength. But we have numbers too, and we've got strength, and even better, we have information. We've seen what they can do, what they're capable of. We know all about the leaders in their gang. What do they know about us? Not much. "Stakes against vampires. Cold iron against the Inabas." Stuff like that.

The boss makes a gesture to the back of the room, and the lights dim. A projector shoots an image onto the wall behind him. It reads "Know Your Enemies" in a blood-red letter on a dark grey background.

BOSS
These are the movers and shakers of the Slayer Empire. We know their strengths, all we have to do is find their weaknesses, take them out, their whole game collapses and we rule again.

As he says this, he clicks a button in his hand and the words behind him give way to the image of some painting, which shows triumphant demons raising their arms in victory and cheering over the downfall of some knightly victims.

NOTE: The following paragraphs have been switched around or re-spliced so that the image of the person being spoken about is upon the screen while they're being spoken about.

BOSS
First up, Dawn Summers.

He clicks the button in his hand. The image behind him, undoubtedly doctored in Photoshop, shows a formidable looking Dawn, arms crossed, her lips formidably set and her eyes glinting with untold knowledge. Flames roil in the background behind her. There is little reaction from the crowd.

BOSS
Not an actual Slayer, but a little girl, created from an ancient source of almost unfathomable mystical energy. This power, older than recorded history, provides a deceptively young-looking girl with deep wisdom and maturity.

Elsewhere, Dawn rolls over onto her stomach, lying on the bed. She twirls the phone cord around her fingertips.

DAWN
She did NOT say that. She did? No way! No way! No way! You are SUCH a liar, Jackie, I'm so sure. No way!

A click of the button and the image behind him shifts to a heavily edited Xander, who is holding up a struggling demon by the throat, squeezing the very life from its body, and smiling villainously as he does so. There is a slight hiss from portions of the crowd.

BOSS
Alexander Harris. An enigma. No one is quite sure what powers he possesses, but he has been with this cadre since the beginning, so there can be no doubt about his terrible abilities. The menace of his eye patch only adds to the fearsome countenance of this foe.

The real Xander sits, entranced by a television set emanating cartoon sound effects. A glance at the TV reveals that it is in fact Popeye the Sailor Man.

POPEYE
No matter what you sez I yam, I yam what I yam an' thas' all I yam!

Xander erupts into a dorky burst of laughter.

Clicking the button, he causes the image to switch to Willow, which like the others is heavily edited. She has black hair, eyes and the vein action going on. Her hands are outstretched, and waves of power pour forth while her still image cackles maniacally. Several demons are frozen in mid-air where they have been sent flying by her wild power.

BOSS
Willow Rosenberg. The Red Witch, whose name alone can strike fear into the hearts of brave demons. She has the power to wield the very elements, and can kill a hundred of our brothers and sisters with but a glance of her black, bottomless eyes.

Willow herself is in a room, concentrating and murmuring a complex incantation. At the end, she gestures in the direction of... A mayonnaise jar, which shuffles a little across the countertop but is otherwise unaffected. Willow pouts.

If you could actually write her an absurdly long incantation here, that would be great. :)

The image that appears this time is Giles, dressed in the robes of an ancient Chinese strategist, arms crossed. Behind him stands an army of young girls bearing white flags with the black insignia of a hand holding a wooden stake. Pillars of smoke are visible behind them, no doubt rising from the charred remains of any who dared to cross the master.

BOSS
Rupert Giles. The brilliant mastermind and coordinator of the Slayers, his leadership skills are second to none, and his ability to know where to place his troops and how best to utilize them is so profound as to be almost precognitive.

Elsewhere, Giles wanders, utterly lost, in a mall parking lot, surrounded by cars. He looks around anxiously.

GILES
Where is that bloody thing?

Maybe have Giles fumble for his keys then hopefully push a button on the key chain (one of those horn-honking, light-flashing, 'here's where your car is, dumb ass' things). He's greeted by half the parking lot honking and flashing.

Getting a little bit out of hand, the highly edited and nearly crazy image shows Kennedy doing a handstand. Her hair remains perfectly in place in spite of this, and as she arches her body, she has a wooden stake held between her two feet, which she has just driven into the chest of a vampire behind her.

BOSS
Kennedy. A natural Slayer, her strength, grace and beauty in battle easily rank her among the most deadly of all Slayers, despite having had her powers for less than a year.

In reality, Kennedy is sitting in a Laz-E-Boy in the Slayer rec room. The television plays in front of her. Coke (I don't really see Kennedy as the beer type now) in hand, she gulps it back, lets out a loud belch.

Faith's picture, in contrast to Kennedy's, looks almost restrained, until you notice the bodies. She is in a kicking position, having just sent a demon several feet back in the air. In her hand she holds a bloodied battleaxe. A score of demon bodies line the floor around her, in some spots as high as her knees. There is an audible gasp from the crowd when the image appears.

BOSS
Faith. The Dark Slayer, a primal force of rage and violence, untamable and deadly.

Currently passed out drunk on her bed, an arm dangling over the side, the real Faith snores loudly. Some beer cans litter the floor. Without warning, she rolls over and falls off the couch. She lands on some of the beer cans, crushes them, and then goes on snoring.

Buffy's image portrays her as a Rambo type. She wields a sword in each hand, a crossbow slung over her back, a silver cross around her neck, and wooden stakes at each side of her waist. Unspoken menace is clear in her very eyes. She is merely standing there; the only action in the picture is the fleeing of many demons from her mere presence.

BOSS
And finally Buffy Summers. The Legendary Slayer. She is the Boogey Man for little spawn everywhere. So gifted, so talented, that it's been rumored she is ultimately unkillable.

Back in the kitchen, Buffy reaches over and grabs a familiar-looking jar of mayonnaise. She tries to twist the lid using her hands, then tries again. A third time, and she grits her teeth with the effort. No luck, the jar refuses to open.

BOSS
Truly these are formidable foes. But ultimately, NO ONE is unkillable. The Slayer herself has proven that more than once. They can be beaten; the trick lies in being clever enough to figure out how. And that is what we are discussing today. We're sixty-two strong; we can come up with a way to stop this reign of terror.

Members of the crowd look back and forth to each other. Not much is said.

BOSS
Come on, now's not the time to be shy. Let's hear some ideas.

A leathery-skinned monster near one of the corners stands up.

MONSTER
We could attack them with something. Something they'd never expect. (Everyone stares at him expectantly, but he hasn't taken his idea further than that) Like, uhh ... Erm ... (Franticly thinking) Like- Like ... hummus.

DEMON
Fhamaget, I have lived on this plane of existence for a full 2,810 years and NEVER have I heard a plan so stupid.

MONSTER (angrily)
That is SO like you [demon name]! You and your high-and-mighty (snotty voice) 'Ohh, I've been on this plane of existence for a full 2,810 years. I'm so perfect, my eviscerating skills are best, having been honed over a full 2,810 yea—'

BOSS
That's enough. We're not here to fight, we're here for ideas. This is what we call brainstorming, people. There are no bad ideas in brainstorming. (Beat) Except for that one. Sit down, Fhamaget.

A demon from the other side of the room speaks up.

DEMON
We could all rush in and attack them together.

ANOTHER DEMON
Then we'd all be dead together.

THIRD DEMON
The problem seems to be that when they're around, they kill us. So maybe that's the secret. We kill them when they're not around.

DEMON
I stand corrected. THAT is quite possibly the most stupid plan I have heard in my full 2,810 years of existence on this plane. (Beat) No, the hummus was stupider.

One of the vampires who looks like he's just come from a punk rock concert speaks up. His eyes look almost a little glazed over, as if he snacked on a druggie before the meeting.

VAMPIRE
We could invite 'em over for dinner.

Slowly, every head in the room turns to him.

VAMPIRE
And then we could like, poison their food or somethin'. And the ones that didn't eat, we could just jump all over 'em and beat the crap out of 'em and stuff.

BOSS
Okay, I'm hearing some, uh, good stuff here, but let's keep at it. I want you all to think tonight of ideas on how to put these people away. We'll meet at this time tomorrow to hammer everything out.

Nods of assent from the group.

BOSS
Also, everyone make sure to check the patrol roster, especially the Dusk Shift. There's been some updates and changes since Roger got decapitated last Tuesday. There'll be a collection coming around tomorrow to send a bouquet of hearts and spleens to his widow, so everyone remember to come with an open wallet and chip in for good ol' Roger.

There is a collective bowing of heads.

It is nighttime. A pair of demons are out on patrol. With short pointed ears and tusks, these two demons look almost like warthogs, if warthogs had rubbery skin and inch-long spines sticking out of their necks. They skulk through the night sticking close together. They move stealthily, but that doesn't stop them from chatting as they move along.

DEMON 1
...and you just know that Vrishella is giving a little "extra" attention to make sure she can move up in the ranks.

DEMON 2
Mmm. I could deal with a little extra attention from her myself.

DEMON 1
You don't want any of that, trust me. Word has it... (looking around) that she has fun on the other side of the fence too, you know what I mean?

DEMON 2
You mean... Humans?

DEMON 1
Yeah. And she IS a shape shifter, so.

DEMON 2
Eww, eww, ugh! (starts rubbing his hands and arms vigorously)

DEMON 1
Yeah, that was pretty much what I thought.

DEMON 2
Besides, the wife probably wouldn't be too happy if she found out.

DEMON 1
How is Celina, anyway?

DEMON 2
Eh, the usual. She's always moaning about the job, how I'm never around to help raise the kids. I keep telling her, it's my job to bring home the dinner, not raise it. Heck, she doesn't even have to COOK it. You do that and it loses all its flavor.

DEMON 1
Yeah, Kathy says marrow tastes better when the bone's been roasted too. (beat) Women.

The two continue moving through the darker parts of the city. It looks like they're passing through a park area. Off in the distance, they spot a woman walking her dog; it's an ugly mutt, not unlike one of those distorted dog faces you would find on a greeting card.

DEMON 1
Alright, now we're talking.

As the demon starts to move toward the pair, his partner stops him.

DEMON 2
No, man.

DEMON 1
Don't tell me granma's got you spooked.

DEMON 2
No way. But the pooch... Kinda reminds me of an old girlfriend.

The first demon squints at the dog and then back at his partner. After a moment, he sighs, and dismisses the potential victims with a wave of his hand.

DEMON 1
Fine. (beat) Pity. Walkin' her dog out here, this time of night, she's just asking to be picked to the bone.

DEMON 2
I dunno, she'd probably be a bit stringy. And anyway, don't forget what we're really after.

DEMON 1
Yeah, I know. Slayers. (beat) Hey, you think we really got a shot of bagging one tonight?

The other demon shrugs.

DEMON 2
Never can tell. I know we can do better than some of the others. Oh, did you hear Loraine going on at lunch? She swears she actually gave one a sprained ankle while running away.

The two have a hearty chuckle.

DEMON 1
Riiight.

DEMON 2
Like Loraine can even RUN in those heels she wears.

DEMON 1
And I don't think any Slayer's going to sit tight while she puts on—hey, did you hear that?

DEMON 2
Hear what?

VOICE FROM BEHIND
This.

The two demons turn around and find themselves face-to-face with a pair of young girls. Neither of them were part of the presentation, and both look to be younger and less battle-hardened than any of the legends. One sports curly blonde hair, the other wavy brown.

DEMON 1
Well, well, the night's looking up.

BROWN-HAIRED SLAYER
My thoughts exactly.

The two groups clash, but it's a pitifully short fight. The blonde finishes first, ending her battle with a sword thrust to the demon's gut, then withdrawing the blade and using a spinning motion to lop off its head; her partner is instead exchanging physical blows and begins grappling the demon. She quickly gains leverage and forces him down on the ground on his stomach, his good arm pinned behind his back.

DEMON 2
Well, shoot, there goes my 401k.

She wrenches his head, breaking his neck. Within seconds, both the demons dissolve into a sort of mist that dissipates.

The next evening, we see a pair of pictures being pinned onto a wall, alongside a few dozen others. The pictures are of the two demons killed the previous night while on patrol, and they show the pair in happier times, one of them gnawing on a fresh bone that's vaguely femur-shaped, and the other making a scary face for the camera. At the top of the wall, above all the pictures, "Gone But Not Forgotten" is written in blood.

Meanwhile, the previously-mentioned meeting is going on. The Boss addresses the group.

BOSS
I know we're all broken up about Sam and Dave. They were two of the most lovable Deveraths you could ever hope to meet. Their murderous sprees were an inspiration to us all. But this is exactly why we must band together. We must stand together to staunch the cascading rivers of goodness. For Roger, for Sam, for Dave, and for my favorite pen that Dave sadly happened to be carrying when he disintegrated.

Cheers erupt all around.

The meeting was continuing, and the Boss was seizing upon the opportunity to boost morale.

BOSS
We've developed an incentive program that will help you all to meet your quotas and your thirsts for blood. For each act of murder, chaos and destruction you manage to perform against the Slayers and their group, you can earn points.

He begins to hand out fliers to the awaiting crowd, continuing to speak as he does so.

BOSS
These points, as you will see, can be turned in for any number of exciting prizes. If you save up, or get bold and lucky, you could snag some sweet goods, like, say, a month's supply of fresh virgin's blood... Or the equivalent foodstuff.

One of the demons that has been given a pamphlet turns to the creature sitting next to him.

DEMON
Oooo, I like the clock radio!

BOSS
Big points will be awarded for any grievous bodily harm that you manage to inflict on the three main Slayers, or their people, and if you manage to kill or bring back one of them... Well, that's just crazy big scoring there.

Demons and monsters start to look from one to another, gears turning in their heads as plans are formed.

BOSS
Proof will be required for every act, so if you want to make it simple, just bring in their heads. Or for those of you with an artistic flair, you can take photos. Heck, wouldn't a videotape of your victory be something to watch at the next office Ascension Party?

The Boss has finished handing out all of the fliers now; most of the gathering is busy looking over their future spoils.

BOSS
As a little extra bonus, the first one to bring in proof of at least a maiming will receive a limited edition set of Vyarian Sacrificial Daggers.

An audible "Oooh" passes through several members of the crowd.

BOSS
Bottom line, we don't care how you cause damage, just do it. You can go solo, or you can use teams. We want the Slayers and their people hurting. Bad. Now. Any questions?

There are none. He smiles to himself as his people move off to cause untold amounts of hurt to their hated enemies.

ACT 2

Late dusk, the very beginning of true night, inside a house. Three demons are milling about. They are short, squat, and somewhat hunched over. For being demons, they don't look particularly well-muscled or fearsome. They actually look kind of smart. For demons.

A large device, all shiny and featuring a few lights and lots of wires, sits on the kitchen table, the pointy end aimed towards the window. Out of said window we can see the Scooby House, across the street.

Again, make sure to note the Christmas decorations. Lights strung up outside twinkling in the dusk, that sort of thing. Or actually, maybe this should be a daytime one. Xander probably wouldn't be fiddling with delicate, expensive electronic equipment at night. Incidentally, I see all of this stuff happening on different nights, not all the same night. We should be seeing a good few days of frenzied activity to do in everyone, not just one concentrated night. We're just getting the highlights of the attempts.

The three are huddled around the machine, fiddling with controls and parts.

DEMON 1
Make sure you've got the wires set up right.

DEMON 2
I've got the wires set up right.

DEMON 1
Sure, it's just that if they're wrong...

DEMON 2
They're right.

DEMON 1
...then instead of frying their brains, we'll give them telepathy and precognition. Which is somewhat antithetical to our intents.

DEMON 2
They're right, okay?!

DEMON 1
Okay.

DEMON 3
But this circuit's in backwards. That would either give them super strength or cause them to multiply. We're trying to make them stupid, not invincible.

DEMON 2
Hey, is it my fault that reverse-engineering a plasma enhancement system is so hard? It always looks so easy on Star Trek...

DEMON 3
Well, the board IS labeled "This way forward."

Removing said board, the demon re-inserts it correctly.

DEMON 2
Oh, yeah.

DEMON 3
Okay, that about does it. Charge her up.

Unseen by the demons, across the street and on the roof, Xander, being the construction-inclined among the Scoobies, wrestles with a satellite dish.

XANDER
How about now?

WILLOW
Nope.

Xander moves the dish to a different position.

XANDER
Now?

BUFFY
Nope.

Frowning, Xander moves it again.

XANDER
And now?

WILLOW
Wait, that's... Yes... Just about... Nope.

BUFFY
Come on, Xander, make this work—you can make a functioning scientific calculator out of a lump of wood. One that even does the little 'E' thing, and what exactly is that anyway? This can't be that hard. I was promised 198 channels of full-color, brain-rotting goodness. I have 198 channels of CRAP.

Xander, very frustrated, grips his teeth and looks as though he wishes to hurl the satellite dish as far as possible.

XANDER
If you'd like to come up here, oh Mistress of the Radio Waves...

BUFFY
Just move it left.

WILLOW
No, right!

BUFFY
Left!

WILLOW
You're really startin' to cheese me off.

BUFFY
Bring it, Sabrina! I'll give you something in the Christmas spirit all right.

Exasperated, Xander smacks the dish, moving the concave surface from the sky to instead pointing across the street. He heads over to the other side of the roof, where a ladder is waiting to take him to the ground.

In the demon house, they remain blissfully unaware of Xander's actions.

DEMON 2
It's ready.

DEMON 3
Fire.

Demon 1 throws a lever. The machine starts to glow, waves of energy building up within it. Suddenly and almost without warning, it sends a beam of power toward the house. It heads for the roof.

DEMON 1
Uh-oh.

The beam has collided with the satellite dish on the roof, and in a remarkable quirk of fate, sits there for a moment before coming right back at the demon house.

DEMON 3
Evasive maneuvers!

DEMON 2
Too late.

The light pours into the house, bathing the demons and their machine in an eerie green glow for a few moments. Sending out the energy and receiving it right back, the device quickly overloads and shorts out, sparks flying everywhere.

The three demons look at each other with strange expressions.

DEMON 2
Light... Pretty...

DEMON 1
So pretty...

Scooby street. Later in the night. The moon is out and visible. An extremely large vampire steps out of the shadows and into the road a bit. He measures nearly six and a half feet, and wears lots of leather and a scowl. Extremely intimidating.

VAMPIRE
Time to die, Slayer.

He raises his hand slightly. Resting in it is a glowing red ball.

VAMPIRE
Are you ready to bear witness to history?

Three other vampires step out behind him. They are considerably smaller and don't look all that frightening, at least not when compared to the other.

SMALLER VAMPIRE
Why do we have to be here again?

VAMPIRE
You are here to watch me destroy her. You are the audience to my appointment with destiny. For years I needed the proper tool to orchestrate her defeat and now I have it: the Eye of Hagganon. With it, I have the strength and toughness of a hundred Dwy'ar demonkind.

SMALLER VAMPIRE #2
The Slayer and the witch are right across the street. Any minute, they could—

VAMPIRE
They could do nothing. With this, I can tear them in half as easily as raising my hand. A flick of my finger could knock their heads from the shoulders, and the mere roar from my throat would rend their flesh and grind their bones to dust. I will do all this to them and more. And you will watch me. You will be the first to bear witness to the power of the new way.

SMALLER VAMPIRE #3
Others have said—

VAMPIRE
I am not others. I traveled this entire world, sacrificed years of my unlife and endured the many trials. I am the one who will be a decider of the Apocalypse, a true force of darkness.

SMALLER VAMPIRE #2
Man, you really want that set of sacrificial daggers, don't you.

VAMPIRE
That too. (beat) But before that must come this, the moment of triumph, when I, with my own hands—

A sudden squealing pierces through the night air, startling the vampires. The larger one turns to the source of the sound. In his surprise, he drops the Eye, which falls into the road and begins rolling across the street. His entire demeanor changes. He reaches out feebly for the escaping artifact, as though his arm could stretch out and grab it.

VAMPIRE
Nonononono, wait. Come back! Pretty please!

The source of the squealing gets closer and we see what it is. A car is barreling down the road, Dawn at the wheel. Giles sits in the passenger seat, looking more than a little harrowed. Time seems to slow down as the car comes within distance of the rolling jewel.

Without so much as a bump, the wheel of the car crushes the orb. The car speeds off into the night, leaving tiny fragments on the ground that no longer even sparkle, let alone glow. Stunned, the vampire slowly wanders out into the street, then falls to his knees at the scene of impact. His voice has gone from being forceful and imposing to weak. He is on the verge of tears. He tries feebly to scrabble the pieces up into his hands.

VAMPIRE
Noooo, my orb...

SMALLER VAMPIRE #3
Dude, tough break, man.

Smaller Vampire #2 looks at #1.

SMALLER VAMPIRE #2
You ever notice how you get these things that are mega super-powerful, make you invincible, yadda yadda, but they themselves are made out of, like, the most fragile substance in the world so that they break if you breathe on them the wrong way?

SMALLER VAMPIRE #1
Huh. Irony.

The three smaller vampires shrug and exit, leaving behind the leader who is still trying to scoop up the fragments of his lost hope.

Another section of the city near the Scooby House. It is still nighttime, although it could be a different night for all that we know. Maybe this is daytime? Making it very clear we're on another day now. The exact location is unknown, but it appears to be a side street between buildings, deserted. On the ground, a magical circle has been drawn. Sticks of incense are lit.

At one side of the circle stands a tall but lanky demon, wearing some manner of ornate robe. In one hand, he holds an open book; the other makes arcane gestures out toward the circle itself.

MAGUS
From the upper reaches down to you I call;
The circle drawn, the nine symbols await;
My will alone for you to obey is all;
To, uh— To seal the loathsome and reviled's fate.

The ground begins to shake. The symbols tracing the edges of the magic circle flare out with lights of green, red and blue, and subside. A warp in the fabric of space itself appears, folding inwards and spitting out the summoned creature. It is proportioned like a demonic gorilla, mostly hunched over and a hulking mass of muscles. Clouds of steam puff forth as it pants.

CREATURE
Grrragh. Grrrrrarargh.

MAGUS
That's right, I have called you forth. I demand of you only a simple task—to kill those residing in that house.

He points some distance off, but we see that the Scooby House is his chosen target.

The creature looks to the location then back at the Magus. It seems amenable to this—its growls, but not antagonistically.

MAGUS
And once that's done, those prizes are good as mine. Clock radio, here I come.

CREATURE
Grrarargh. Grra—errgh? (stilted) Clock radio?

MAGUS
Don't worry about that. Just go forth and destroy, my minion.

The creature straightens up somewhat. It speaks, and all traces of the guttural, stilted talk are gone.

CREATURE
Now, hold on there. We need to discuss this clock radio thing a bit further.

The magus seems utterly stunned by this revelation. His jaw hangs open for a few moments, and he kind of points to the creature. Finally, he manages speech.

MAGUS
W-wait, you can talk?

CREATURE
Well, yeah, obviously.

MAGUS
But, what happened to—(he growls and pantomimes the hunched over gorilla posture)?

The creature waves his hand dismissively.

CREATURE
Oh, that. That's just my cover. I put it on when I get summoned by people. Now, then, you did summon me, true. But since it seems like I'M going to be the one doing all the killing here, I think I should reap the spoils.

The magus, while still recovering from the fact that his minion is intelligent, is perturbed.

MAGUS
I don't think so. I summoned you, you go kill like I say, and I'll take the rewards, thank you.

CREATURE
Uhh, no. Try again.

MAGUS
Hey, you have to do my bidding. I made the sacrifice! I burned the incense!

CREATURE
Oh, yeah, you really went all out there. A rat and some dime-store incense? (sniffs around, turns his head back toward the circle) Is that STRAWBERRY? And your recitation of the summons—I've eaten third graders with better oratory skills. (crossing arms) You know, I almost didn't even bother showing up.

MAGUS
I—Hu—Are you mocking me? How dare you!

CREATURE
Come on. You summoned me with a rodent and fruity incense, you stumbled over the incantation, and your nine summoning circle symbols? You only have SEVEN. What kind of control over me were you expecting here?

The magus flexes his arms and starts rolling up the sleeves of his robe.

MAGUS
I think you're about to find, beast, that I don't need incense or a circle to control you.

The creature hunches back over again and bares its fangs.

CREATURE
Killing you may not bring me rewards... But sometimes killing is a reward unto itself.

Off in the distance, the sounds of the battle between the two can clearly be heard, some howling and screaming. Inside the Scooby House, it's slightly muffled, though, and we see Dawn roll over in her bed, and snuggle a little more under the covers.

If it's daytime, obviously Dawn can't do this. So maybe instead we see her close a window to blot out the noise.

This one should be nighttime because of the Slayers patrolling.

Again across the street from the Scooby House. But instead of being inside a kitchen, we are now in the bushes next to another house in the neighborhood. A pair of demons crouch, keeping a careful eye on the abode. One of them is using something that looks like binoculars. Next to them is a camouflage-colored bag of equipment.

DEMON 1
Harris.

DEMON 2
Check.

The first demon continues to scan.

DEMON 1
Rosenberg.

DEMON 2
Check.

DEMON 1
Who are we missing?

DEMON 2
The girl. Dawn Summers.

DEMON 1
Wasn't there another?

DEMON 2
Another Slayer, Kennedy. Our intel says she doesn't live there anymore.

DEMON 1
Oh, well, can't have everything. (continues scanning) Got the girl.

DEMON 2
That's all of the targets. Commencing with Operation: Clean Sweep.

He pulls a small control out of the bag and pushes a red button.

DEMON 1
How long?

DEMON 2
Timer's set for one minute. Safety precaution.

DEMON 1
We're far enough away.

DEMON 2
Protocol is protocol.

The first demon shrugs.

DEMON 1
Ah, well, won't be enough of the place left to make a book of matches. That's worth a minute's waiting.

DEMON 2
Forty seconds.

They continue to watch.

DEMON 2
Where did you put it?

DEMON 1
Basement. Next to some boxes. Did it this afternoon when they were all out. They never had a chance of finding it.

DEMON 2
Twenty-five seconds. Prep for explosion.

The two grab some darkened goggles from the bag and put them on. They dig their hands into the ground and crouch low, bracing themselves against a coming force.

DEMON 2
Ten seconds.

DEMON 2
Five seconds... Four... Three... Two... One... Impact.

There's a bright flash from inside the house and the two stiffen themselves, expecting to be propelled back or such, but nothing comes. After several seconds, they look up. The house is dark, but still standing. They look at each other curiously.

Inside the house, all is dark, and we can't see anyone. We hear voices from inside the house.

WILLOW
Heh, sorry, guys, looks like I, uh... I-I kinda blew all the electronics in the house. New spell and all. It wasn't really supposed to do that.

XANDER
Wait, can TiVo record, even with no power?

BUFFY
Nope, sorry Xand.

WILLOW
I'm sure we'll get it all up and running again in no time. A-A few hours, two days, max.

XANDER
I'm gonna miss 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'?! Noooooooooooooo!

Outside, the two demons are discussing the issue.

DEMON 2
Dud? Bad fuse?

DEMON 1
No way. We had everything double-wired and cross-checked. All six wire systems and three fuses would have had to fail.

DEMON 2
I know, but SOMETHING went wrong.

Behind them, unseen and unheard, Kennedy approaches, followed by half a dozen newbie Slayers. She walks low and slow. The others follow her lead and mimic her actions. The demons remain unaware. The scene is very reminiscent of a lioness or cheetah bringing some prey to her cubs to practice on.

DEMON 1
We need to investigate.

DEMON 2
All their lights are out.

DEMON 1
Covert Op procedure three then. Reconnaissance mission.

DEMON 2
Get in, find the cause, get out.

Kennedy, behind them, steps back behind the newbies, gesturing with her hands about who should take which demon.

The two demons slowly stand up to move. They turn to look at each other and then slowly to behind them. There stand the six eager-looking Slayers, with Kennedy behind them.

DEMON 1
Oh, crap.

DEMON 2
Affirmative that, soldier.

Still nighttime. For a change, we're not outside the Scooby House, but instead Slayer Central. A figure stands in the shadows. Its arms are crossed. As a silhouette, it looks like a human female, but one can't be sure.

The moon comes out from the behind the clouds, and light escapes through the branches of the trees and plays on the figure's eyes, which turn out to be beautiful and a sparkling blue. They are definitely human eyes.

A second figure silently creeps in darkness toward the first. This one is larger, and definitely not human. It comes within five feet, and sniffs the air loudly.

DEMON
Slayer.

He quickly moves to put his hand on her shoulder. With blinding speed, the young woman whirls about and grabs the limb, grasping it in her fist. The larger demon tries to jerk back his hand, but can't budge it even an inch.

FIGURE
Slayer?

Face expressionless and not revealing the slightest effort, she squeezes and we hear the sound of bones breaking in the demon's hand. He grunts in pain. With a slight move of her arm, she slings him nearly over her shoulder, where he lands on the ground. She turns and begins moving toward him, as he holds his pitiful and useless hand.

Stepping out into the open, we see her in the moonlight now, and the remarkable thing is that she looks utterly unremarkable. She's just a young woman with short black hair and blue eyes. We need to make mention of the Circle's symbol here, very important.

FIGURE
We're nothing so common as a Slayer. We're so very much more.

Shifting away from the scene, we hear an agonizing scream come from the demon.

ACT 3

The Boss and Norg are moving down the hallways again. Either the Boss doesn't have an office or he doesn't like to use it, apparently.

BOSS
What's the situation on the Clark front?

NORG
He appearth to have gone into hiding.

BOSS
Must've gotten wind of the plan. Now's not a good time for letting people flout the rules. How long will it take you to find him?

NORG
Already done, thir. I have eyeth and earth everywhere.

BOSS
And teeth.

NORG
Ethcuth me, thir?

BOSS
Nevermind. Take care of him, you know what to do. While you're there, see if you can find anything out.

NORG
It thall be done.

BOSS
In the meantime, I have to give THEM a call.

NORG
You have my condolentheth.

Norg leaves, and the Boss arrives at what must be his office. (If we're going to give him a name, now would be a good time to show it. Though I'm somewhat of the opinion that by now it's too late. We're halfway done with the ep, and the readers will be used to simply calling him "Boss", I think.) The office is small, but well-adorned. Leather chair, polished desk, various knickknacks here and there, like a hollowed-out human skull made into a pencil holder. (Ha-ha. :P) There are some awards and plaques on the walls, alongside various "Team Pictures" including one that shows a bunch of demons having a grand old time and making faces in front of the camera while a young woman, presumed to be a virgin, has been tied to a stone slab in front of them.

The Boss sits in his chair, then picks up his phone, and punches some buttons.

BOSS
Connect me with Demon Resources, please.

He takes a deep breath and puts on a smile.

BOSS
Why, hello, Myrtle. This is Havriland. (beat) Yes, it's been a little while, hasn't it? (beat) Oh, she's doing fine. Hasn't she called? She asks about you all the time. (beat) I'll just have to remind her then.

As he speaks, the Boss flips through some papers on his desk. There are names, some of them crossed out. We also see some forms for condolence letters to be sent to families—set up very much like a demented and funereal Mad-Libs. "Dear Mr./Mrs. ______, it is our sad duty to inform you that _________ was killed by ____________ while..." and the like.

BOSS
I'm glad to hear that. He sounds like he's on his way to becoming quite a chaos beast, like his father. But the real reason I'm calling, sad to say, is that I need some headhunting done. (beat, then chuckles) No, not that kind of headhunting, I'm afraid. I'd be first in line for that myself. No, truth is, our latest promotion hasn't gone quite as planned and (He's said earlier in the ep that the promotion did better than expected, so I think this is contradictory and needs to come out.) I need a little beefing up for the staff.

He looks at the papers and does some quick math.

BOSS
If you could have about ten by tomorrow evening? That would be fantastic. Make it a mix, if possible. (beat) I know this it's tight but this is a busy time for us. (beat) You're the best, Myrtle. Look for a little something extra next time we get some fresh bones in. You take it easy, okay? Bye.

He hangs up the phone, and instantly all traces of the smile wash from his face.

BOSS
God, I hate them.

He looks down at the papers on his desk, and makes to filling out some of the condolence forms. He mumbles to himself as he fills them out.

BOSS
"Dear Mrs. Pijinty... It is our sad duty to inform you that your mate was killed by..." (beat, as he chews on the pen) "a rabid and bloodthirsty swarm of Slayers while in the noble act of attempting to blow up a house full of people. We deeply regret..."

There is a slight buzzing from an intercom-type device on the desk. The Boss hits a button.

BOSS
Yes?

A beautiful feminine voice answers him.

FEMALE
Your midnight appointment is here.

The Boss looks puzzled for a moment.

BOSS
Refresh my memory, please.

FEMALE
The interview with Fearsome 500. Mr. Qxalgyltmn is here to discuss the successes and challenges of working in midst of the new Slayer threat?

BOSS
Ah yes. Please, send him in.

FEMALE
Yes, sir.

The Boss hurriedly gathers up the papers from his desk and summarily dumps them in a drawer, just before the door to his office opens. In steps a tall, muscular creature, adorned with at least two dozen small horns on the head, and empty sockets for eyes. The tongue, too long for its mouth, protrudes somewhat. It's fairly horrific looking, but the Boss doesn't flinch. It opens its mouth to speak, and out comes the same sweet voice that we heard over the intercom.

FEMALE
Mr. Qxalgyltmn, sir.

She steps aside and the actual guest comes in. He's fairly small in comparison, really, well-dressed and sedate. But he is by no means human. He has green skin, no nose, and a protuberance of piercings down the sides of his neck and moving somewhat into the arms as well.

BOSS
Thank you, Marsha. (the door closes) Mr., Qxalgyltmn, was it? Please, have a seat.

The interviewer sits down.

MR. Q
Thank you.

BOSS
Can I have anything brought in? Coffee? Blood? Oil for your metal?

MR. Q
No, but thanks. I must say, interesting secretary you have.

BOSS
I know. As my mother would say, she could scare the fire out of a hellhound. But what a voice.

MR. Q
So, that's the secret of your success, is it? Scary demons with soothing voices?

They both have a good laugh together, sort of a forced, polite laugh.

BOSS
No, I wouldn't call it the secret of my success. But let me tell you, it sure doesn't hurt after a hard day on the job. The voice, mind you.

MR. Q
So, tell me, what's it like, running a business right next to the newly-established headquarters of your archenemies?

The Boss sits back in his chair and looks at the wall for a moment.

BOSS
It isn't the sort of thing you can really describe. It has to be experienced for you to really understand. We're under attack every day just for trying to do our jobs. I've seen many a good monster cut down in his prime lately, and it's been very disheartening for the group as a whole. But we've made excellent progress lately, and are looking at this more as a bump in the road than anything else.

MR. Q
Every company has its philosophy, its mission statement if you will, that embodies its core values and such. What's yours?

BOSS
Our philosophy? We live evil. We breathe evil. And our belief is that the global organization, the company, is a key to a more enriching evil. The Slayers and their kind are anarchists to our society, a plague to the healthy body of the damned. It's not just a job to eliminate them and stop their spread, it's an honorable duty that any demon or vampire should feel privileged to perform.

MR. Q
What sort of progress have you made on that front? Collateral or physical damage to the Slayers themselves or their property? An increase in general mayhem or harm to innocents?

BOSS
Not so much. Overcoming this kind of opposition isn't the sort of thing that can be done overnight. Even Rome wasn't burned in a day, you know? Survival was the first step, and we've done marvelously on that front as you can see. (indicates the building around them) We've gathered a great deal of information—all secret, sorry—about the Slayers and their kind. We're very close to making a decisive blow.

MR. Q
The eyes, ears and other sensory organs of the demon world are constantly upon you. Do you find that a hard burden to carry?

BOSS
It's not easy, I'll admit. But I have the utmost confidence in my employees. We have some of the most noble demons this side of the Altvairan planes. Hunters who come up with ways of disembowelment that I never would have imagined, cunning devils who could trick you into giving up your own soul if you still had one... And we've got the ones who aren't that crafty or skillful, but they're damn tough and willing to always put in a good night's work. When I think about those kind of people on my side, the pressure kind of melts away, because I know we can do it.

Mr. Q spreads his hands before returning them to his notebook. (?)

MR. Q
Turnover. Every employer's enemy. It would have to be a tremendous force at work given the circumstances, right?

The Boss raises a corrective finger.

BOSS
Remember that I'm not just employer here. I consider us part business, part union. The creatures here pay ME. In return, I provide guidance, motivation, protection, training, rewards, and a place that for many of them is like a home away from home.

MR. Q
So you have employees, but THEY pay YOU. That's ingenious.

BOSS
(Grinning) I try. Now, back to your question – I haven't looked at the numbers too recently, but I think our turnover is right around the industry average. We lose our fair share to the Slayers, but we make up for it with excellent recruiting and morale. (points to wall) See that picture in the middle there? I guarantee you, that photo of one of our exclusive team-building events is the only time you will see a Gryphon Lord holding hands with a dweller of the Bluinvale Dimension. It just doesn't happen.

MR. Q
Most impressive. But there is some talk of coercion within your ranks, a "Nobody Leaves Alive" code, things like that.

The Boss waves his hand dismissively.

BOSS
Rumor-mongering by people who can't accept what we've achieved here. When these Slayers moved in, most of the industry said we'd be gone in a month. Well, we're still here and going strong. That chaps some beings' hides, even the incorporeal ones who don't have hides to speak of.

MR. Q
Where do you see the industry going, say, five years from now?

BOSS
I see a lot of people emulating the system we have here. When we've done away with this Slayer group, people will see the value of evil helping evil and what it can accomplish. For a long time it's been a defining tenet of our enemies and now it's time that the community of darkness started using it. If I'm remembered as an innovator because of that, I can live with it.

MR. Q
Well, your vision is very bold and inspiring. Do you have any final words for our readers?

BOSS
Never let anyone hold you back from your goals. If someone tells you it can't be done, they're not thinking hard enough. And when you need an ally in the fight against good, EvilCo is on your side.

Slayer Central, rec room? Kennedy and Hazel are talking. Some newbies are there, watching TV and playing pool and such. Kennedy is currently holding a sheet of paper.

KENNEDY
'What did you do to the victim—check all that apply: bruise/stubbed toe, broken limb, organ damage, disembowelment, decapitation'?

HAZEL
I'm guessing that one's worth more than a stubbed toe. Looks like some kind of contest. Pretty crazy, huh?

KENNEDY
Where'd you get this?

HAZEL
We found it on patrol last night, this demon thing dropped it. It had this, too.

She hands Kennedy a somewhat wrinkled sheet.

HAZEL
It looks like the sort of thing you'd get at school. Prizes, for selling the most candy?

Kennedy looks over the sheet, turning her head a little in puzzlement as she does so.

KENNEDY
Okay, now I'm disturbed. It's one thing to be a minion of darkness just for the hell of it, but—Oooo, hey! Clock radio.

HAZEL
I'd definitely pick that over (she points) 'a dozen hearts, assorted flavors'. (She wrinkles her nose and looks fairly disgusted) I'm guessing they don't mean chocolate.

KENNEDY (recomposed from the alarm clock outburst, and nonplussed)
This is all pretty junky. Or just plain weird. (She looks at a picture) Why do I not feel reassured by presence of cute, fluffy kittens on this thing?

HAZEL

Oh, but they have daggers too.

Hazel indicates a section of the page.

KENNEDY
Really? (she looks) Oh, they're sacrificial, not for combat. (beat) What kind of demons had this?

Hazel gives an unimpressed shrug.

HAZEL
Little. Blue. Kind of like...big smurfs. With horns. They thought just because they had our group outnumbered two-to-one, we were going to go down easy. (Beat, then kinda pouty) So much of my childhood has been tainted since coming here.

KENNEDY
I guess we can tell everybody to be extra careful, but little demon guys in a contest to win cheap prizes? Not feeling too intimidated.

Another Slayer walks into the room. Attached to the other end of her hand was Norg, his well-dressed suit only slightly rumpled by the treatment.

SLAYER
We got a visitor.

KENNEDY
Norg?

Norg bows slightly at Kennedy. It's a difficult maneuver to pull off, since he's suspended in the air and all, but he makes a valiant effort.

NORG
Mith Thlayer.

HAZEL
You know him?

KENNEDY
Yeah. He showed up a while back. Gave us info on how to find some baby-eating demon. (Hazel makes a disgusted face) Turns out the demon just liked playing with dolls, though. (Hazel's face shifts from disgust to disbelief.)

HAZEL
So he helped us? Why?

KENNEDY
Look at him, he's tiny, weak, pathetic and needed our protection.

NORG
Truly, you know how to flatter.

KENNEDY
What do you want?

NORG
I come theeking thancthuary.

HAZEL
(Face melting) Oh, listen to him! He's just too cute!

At Kennedy's nod, the other Slayer sets Norg on the ground. Norg looks very pleased with Hazel's words and preens a little, winking at her charmingly. Kennedy ignores all this.

KENNEDY
We're not Hell's halfway house, but you're in luck. I'm kinda bored. So you got info on some action for me? Something a little better than Mr. Barbie n' Pals?

NORG
Ath a matter of fact, I do. A demon by the name of Clark hath been cauthing grief for the localth. I happen to know where he'th hiding.

HAZEL
(Disbelieving look) 'Clark'? The demon's name is 'Clark'?

KENNEDY
(Ignoring) Gimme the address and we'll go check it out. You stay here until we get back.

HAZEL
(Aside to Kennedy) Wait, so we listen to his info then let him hang out?

KENNEDY
He's harmless enough, as demons go. If we can get some tips to really dangerous types, seems an even trade-off. Plus, if it turns out to be trap or something, I know where to go to kick his ass later.

Hazel remains a little dubious, but accepting. Kennedy remembers the papers Hazel found, grabs them and shows them to Norg.

KENNEDY
What do you know about this?

Norg takes the piece of paper and studies it carefully.

NORG
Well, I'm not well-verthed in thethe matterth, but the clock radio appearth to be of ekthellent craftthmanthip.

KENNEDY
I mean, do you know who's behind it?

NORG
I'm afraid I have no idea. But I will keep my earth peeled and let you know the moment I learn anything. It'th the leatht I can do in return for your kindneth.

Kennedy takes the paper back.

NORG
You'll find Clark down in the downtown dithtrict. He thtayth in the abandoned bookthtore on twelfth thtreet.

Kennedy turns to Hazel.

KENNEDY
It was just about patrol time anyway. Haze, round up our group. At least we've got a new first stop tonight.

HAZEL
They say variety IS the spice of life. Though I always thought it was nutmeg.

KENNEDY
You coming?

Hazel remains undeflated.

Hazel grins widely at her joke. Kennedy just stares.

HAZEL
(Embarrassed cough) I'll just go, then.

Kennedy turns to the Slayer who brought Norg in.

KENNEDY
Lock him in one of the empty classrooms, will you, Kelly? He doesn't get out until I get back.

Kelly nods. Kennedy runs out, and Kelly grabs Norg by the scruff of the shirt again and starts to walk toward the room.

NORG
So... What'th going on tonight?

KELLY
What?

NORG
I mean, any planth to go out anywhere? Perhapth to a thenic graveyard or darkened alleyway? A group gathering of thome thort?

KELLY
Are... Are you asking me out or something?

Norg looks genuinely shocked at the concept.

NORG
No, no, of courth not! I thimply—

Kelly, having hardly heard him, launches into a response.

KELLY
Because first of all—demon. Snappy dresser, but still. Second, you're what, three feet tall?

NORG
That'th a low blow.

KELLY
Well you're a low guy. Get some lifts, and we'll talk. Until then... Here's your room.

She opens a door and ushers the little demon into the room. It's pretty small and empty. There are no windows. One has to wonder what the room is used for, interrogation? There's a chair and a table, at least. Kelly closes the door behind the demon. He looks around a little despondently.

I turned this into a classroom, my thought being that if Slayer Central HAD an interrogation room (detention room, whatever Kennedy called it) it certainly wouldn't be common knowledge for all the Juniors and such. So the description will need to be altered accordingly.

NORG
Well, that could have gone better. (He looks around, a little worriedly) I can't go back to the Bosth empty-handed. He'll be tho dithappointed... And pothibly violent.

After a moment more of surveying the room, he sat down at the table and pulled out a pad of paper and pen. Staring at it for a moment, he began to write.

NORG
'Thlayerth planning big move thoon. Much redecorating occurring, which is juth ath well becauth Thlayerth have no fathion thenth." Hmm. Not bad, but let'th go for thome REAL dirt... " Appearth to be intenth rivalry between Thummerth and Faith. Gileth, ith thick with an unknown illneth which, praith Halinor, could be fatal..."

The Boss is sitting at his desk, continuing to fill out various forms and such. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door, and without waiting, a scaly demon rushes in. The Boss looks up, the beginnings of irritation on his face.

DEMON
Boss! You gotta come quick!

BOSS
What is it?

DEMON
It's Thompson. He's captured the Dark Slayer!

A look of surprise and elation leaps to the Boss' face. He jumps up from his chair to head out of the office. A few feet outside and onto the floor he finds Thompson, a pretty big demon. He has a squirming bag resting over his shoulder, which he very easily sets down and rather gently, surprising since they probably just plan to kill her.

He smiles in greeting as the Boss comes out.

THOMPSON
That lava lamp is as good as mine.

ACT 4

The Boss rubs his hands together joyfully as the burlap sack continues to squirm on the ground.

BOSS
Good work, Thompson. How'd you do it?

THOMPSON
Caught her by surprise. She was going down this alleyway. Never saw what hit her.

BOSS
Excellent use of stealth tactics, then. Whatever it takes to get the job done. (points to a couple of demonkind) Open it up.

The two strong-looking demons open the bag, revealing a female figure in jeans and T-Shirt. She has a hood over her head.

BOSS
Beautiful touch with the hood. I just love the suspense. Go ahead and pull it off.

Thompson, standing behind the girl, moves forward and pulls the hood off her head with a dramatic flourish. The Boss prepares his most evil grin to meet her... Only for it to fade into confusion and then dissatisfaction.

BOSS
This...is not the Dark Slayer.

THOMPSON
It's not?

He moves around to the front of the girl to get a look. Before he arrives, the Boss goes into a tirade.

BOSS
No, it is not. In fact, this looks NOTHING like her.

The girl doesn't know what to make of this. She sits on the floor, looking confused and terrified.

THOMPSON
Well, it kinda does.

The Boss is getting agitated. His hopes were up for Slayer death and now he's been disappointed.

BOSS
No, it doesn't! Look—look at this! (he runs over and pulls down a printout of the picture of Faith used for the PowerPoint presentation a few days earlier) Look at it! (points to the picture) This hair is clearly chestnut, this hair—(he points to the captive) is raw sienna. These eyes? Mahogany and emerald. They're not even the same base color!

For added effect, the boss moves next to the girl and holds Faith's photo next to her face. He then shoves it into the non-Slayer's hands in near-disgust.

THOMPSON
Well, it was really dark...

BOSS
Yes, nighttime tends to be that way!

THOMPSON
A-and her back was turned...

The boss turns to face him, as do several others.

THOMPSON
Plus you know humans. They all look the same...

BOSS
I'm bitterly disappointed, Thompson. You've taken me away from important work, raised my hopes and then dashed them upon the cruel rocks of life. Even worse, I owe Norg ten bucks about whether the first cash-in would be a fake. You know how much I love losing a bet, right?

Another demon snickers.

DEMON
This is just like that time when he thought he had the witch.

Thompson rounds on the demon angrily.

THOMPSON
Shut up, Williams! I DID have the witch, she must've used some...witchery-type magic or something!

WILLIAMS
To turn herself into a guy?

Some of the other demons erupt into laughter.

In the ensuing laughter, confusion and rising tempers, the girl scampers away. No one among the gathering takes notice of her.

THOMPSON
(Still protesting) He was DRESSED like a woman, how was I supposed to know?

WILLIAMS
You just suck man, admit it.

THOMPSON
Oh, big talk from the guy who got scared off by two of the little Summers' school friends.

The two demons come together and begin to exchange blows. The Boss sighs and gestures to some of the other demons, who step in to break it up.

BOSS
Okay, time out, both of you.

The fight is broken up and the two demons separated, although they don't look all that pleased with each other.

BOSS
We have to let bygones be bygones. Remember, we're on the same side here. They're the enemy, not us. Now, it's not as if Thompson came back empty-handed, at least we can certainly enjoy this little—

He turns to the girl, who is now gone.

BOSS
—girl who is no longer here. (beat) Where did she go?

THOMPSON
I thought you were watching her.

The girl is running down the darkened streets for help. She spots a human figure moving along and runs to it. As she gets closer, the figure moves into the light and resolves into that of Faith. The girl gets about five feet away, then stops and stares at Faith, confused for a moment. The girl is panting and obviously distressed.

FAITH
You okay?

The girl looks at the picture in her hand, which she is still clutching in her hand.

GIRL
It's you!

FAITH
Usually, yeah.

The girl tries to relate the story, a little less than successfully.

GIRL
No, no, you're the one they were talking about! There- There were these MONSTERS, and they took me and they were talking about some sleigh in the dark, and—

FAITH
Woah, slow down. Try breathing, I hear it helps.

The girl catches her breath, looking behind her a lot to see if she's being followed.

GIRL
Some monster things grabbed me, threw something over my head, stuffed me in a bag... They took me somewhere... Bright, lots of windows. Cheap carpet. Smelled of floor wax and paper. They—they kept talking about some sort of dark sleigh or something and how they had it. But the other one said I was wrong.

Faith looks like she's following, but just barely.

GIRL
Then one of them took this picture and said it was who they were looking for. It's you.

She offers the print and Faith takes it and looks at it.

FAITH
Wow, I'm popular. (beat) And badass, lookit that kick. (the girl doesn't seem impressed) But how'd they ever mistake you for me? You're at least three inches taller, and I wouldn't be caught DEAD with that hair.

The girl isn't sure what to make of this—whatever she was expecting from Faith, this isn't it. She looks behind her again to see if anyone is coming.

GIRL
They started arguing and I ran away, but...

FAITH
Okay, first step is to get you home safe. Don't worry about them. They were probably... uhh, college pranks.

GIRL
College?

Faith nods assuringly. The girl doesn't seem convinced, but it makes about as much sense as anything else today, so when Faith starts leading her away, she follows.

GIRL
Thank you.

FAITH
Hey, no prob, livens up the evening.

GIRL
Why aren't you freaked out by any of this?

FAITH
I got experience with...college kids. And hey (she holds up the picture), just found out I got a fan club. Can't wait to meet 'em.

Slayer Central. Two Slayers are talking in the hallway. One of them is Kelly from earlier, another is a long, straight black-haired girl. Let's make her Lynn, from the first few eps. She was described as "about six inches taller than Kennedy" with "light brown" hair and "pale blue" eyes, which made her quite a contrast to Kenn.

LYNN
So, he was hitting on you?

KELLY
I think so. I dunno. It was creepy, though. I mean, they never train us on how to talk to demons, and then for one to ask what you're doing that night...

SLAYER
Is he cute?

Kelly looks at the other Slayer.

KELLY
You're scary, Lynn.

LYNN
What? I'm just asking.

KELLY
No, he's not CUTE. He's a DEMON. He LOOKS like a demon. A three foot tall bundle of leathery skin in a nifty suit. I know guys in the Math Club with more going for them.

LYNN
Fine, fine, 'scuse me all to heck, geez.

Faith heads down the hall, the girl in tow. She stops briefly to see the two Slayers.

FAITH
Where's Kennedy?

KELLY
She took her patrol group to check out a tip from that Norg thing.

Faith grins evilly.

FAITH
Huh.

Faith lets out a small, evil smile.

Norg is sitting in the room admiring the emptiness of the walls (or whatever may be on classroom walls) when Faith walks in. Lynn and Kelly hover by the door. He smiles. She doesn't.

NORG
Mith Faith.

Unceremoniously, she walks over, grabs him by the throat, and hoists him up against the wall.

FAITH
Hey, little demon guy.

Norg talks, but his words come out choked, partly due to fear and partly because, well, he's being held up to the wall by his throat.

NORG
Ath alwayth, a pleathure. Pleath don't kill me.

FAITH
Tell me what I wanna know an' that ain't gonna be a problem.

NORG
Thoundth like a deal to me.

FAITH
Heard somethin' kinda interesting tonight. Got a bunch'a people who wanna meet me. Which is five by five, cuz I suddenly got a jones to meet them too. Thing is, I dunno where they are, an' I ain't real big with the detective thing. But luckily, I hear they know you. Which is good, cuz that means you know them too. Get me? (Norg struggles to nod) Now I could sit here an' ask you questions, get answers, figure it all out myself. But I ain't that patient. Instead, I'm gonna just ask one.

Norg gasps for breath, but somehow barely manages to retain his composure.

NORG
I can rethpect effithenthy.

FAITH
Who's this bet with, and where do I find him? (beat) Okay, guess that's two questions, but hopefully you don't mind.

Norg squirms a bit, considering his answer.

NORG
I don't gamble, ath a matter of profethionalithm.

FAITH
(Very obviously fake politeness) I'm sorry, that's incorrect. (Faith pushes him harder against the wall. He squeals a little.) Try again. This time try to remember that thing about me killing you or not.

This line of thinking has encouraged Norg to reconsider, which he quickly does.

NORG
The Bosth! I have a bet with the Bosth!

Faith relaxes her grip and lets Norg sink down to the ground. She releases him, and he immediately begins rubbing his throat.

FAITH
Who's the Boss?

LYNN
(Whispered to Kelly) I always thought it was Tony Danza.

NORG
He runth EvilCo.

Assuming we're actually calling it EvilCo. Which I don't recommend. But whatever we're calling it.

NORG
Thort of a demon union.

KELLY
Demons have a union?

LYNN
Do WE have a union?

NORG
It'th part of our lateth morale-boothting inthentive program. Our memberth are competing to thee who can cauth the motht damage to the Thlayerth or their friendth. I told the Bosth that thomone would bring in thombody who wathnt a Thlayer at all.

FAITH
Bonus round. Where is he?

NORG
The headquarterth ith downtown, at the bathement entranth under the bar at Fourth and Porter.

FAITH
Thanks. Nice doin' business.

KELLY
What if he's lying?

FAITH (making sure Norg understands her clearly)
He better hope he ain't, 'cuz I'm locking him in the room, and if he is lyin', then I'm gonna come back and make him wish he told me the truth.

The three Slayers exit the room and Faith closes and locks the door behind her, leaving Norg alone.

NORG
Interrogated by the Dark Thlayer and thurvived! What a thtory for the netht offithe party!

Outside, Faith turns to the other two.

FAITH
I'll grab the weapons, you two split up and get half a dozen girls each. We meet by the main doors in ten minutes.

The Slayers make their way down the street towards EvilCo. There are thirteen of them, well-armed, some with daggers, some with swords, some with crossbows, and some with combinations of the three. Faith leads the way.

FAITH
Okay, accordin' to the girl-not-me, she saw ten or twenty demons in here. Could be more, but they won't be expectin' us. Surprise'll give us advantage. Still, be careful.

They pass by a demon in an alleyway, who steps out behind the group, ready to attack. He then looks at them and does some mental calculations, even going so far as to count on his hands. Slowly and quietly so as not to be seen, he steps back into the shadows of the alleyway and minds his own business.

FAITH
We bust in, take down everything that ain't human. You fight in pairs, and if you get in a jam, you yell. We stick to the entrance until we see if we need to back out for breathing room. Questions?

The shaking of several heads confirms that there are no questions.

They are coming to the EvilCo entrance. A large burly demon, seven foot if he's an inch, stands outside, no doubt a bouncer or security guard. He's is lighting up a cigarette. He closes his eyes and takes a long, leisurely puff, then opens them and relaxingly blows the smoke out, the cigarette gripped in his mouth by some sort of prehensile tongue. Slowly, his eyes settle on the thirteen well-armed Slayers rapidly approaching. Comprehension dawns. The tongue relaxes his grip, and the cigarette falls to the ground.

The Slayers and the demon see each other, the former approaching casually while the latter seems paralyzed with indecision. Finally, common sense kicks in, and he moves to open the basement and run for it.

FAITH
Deborah, Paige, Kelly.

Three Slayers raise crossbows and unleash their bolts, which land square in the demon's back before he gets a chance to open the basement door, and he falls to the ground.

FAITH
Nice job. Reload.

Inside, the Boss is sitting behind his desk, despondently playing with one of those little games where you flick a spring and try and get a basketball on a string to go through the hoop, but in short, he sucks. It's a fitting cap to a rough night.

The intercom on his desk buzzes, and he reaches over and turns it on.

BOSS
Yes?

MARSHA
Sir, I wanted to inform you, the Slayers have arrived.

BOSS
Somebody actually captured Slayers? Real Slayers this time?

MARSHA
Not exactly, sir. It appears we're being invaded and everyone is being killed.

BOSS
That's a significant difference.

MARSHA
Yes, sir.

The Boss sighs.

BOSS
Contact PR. Tell them I'm going to need a new campaign. Really fast. (beat) And hold all my calls.

MARSHA
Yes, sir.

The Boss crawls underneath his desk and hides.

Outside the office, the Slayers are indeed killing everyone. Demons are pouring out of the woodwork, only to have their blood or entrails pour away when they're sliced up. Much like the result of a precognitive vision, Faith is brandishing a bloodied axe against all comers, while the newer Slayers practice their skills in pairs. Two of the Slayers are elevated, at the entrance to the basement, providing supporting fire with crossbows which fell their enemies. The others are duking it out with weapons and bare hands.

A pair of demons rush Faith. She swings the battle axe, taking off the head of one demon and spinning around to bring it into the chest of another. This doesn't seem to be enough to bring him down, so she yanks out the axe and continues another spin to take off its head as well. She fights not unlike a demon herself.

As the battle inevitably turns in favor of the Slayers, the demons start losing their nerve, and some try to run for it while the unfortunate few make their stand. The latter are cut down and daggers, axes and crossbow bolts finish off most of the former. A tiny handful manage to scamper off through other exits into the night.

The battle is over, and the Slayers are handily victorious and alone.

FAITH
Anybody hurt?

One of the newbies holds up a hand.

SLAYER
I broke a nail.

FAITH
Buy some press-ons. Anybody else?

A unison of head shakings. Faith turns instead to survey the carnage and damage. She walks over to the bulletin board, where the pictures of the deadly seven hang, minus her own picture. There are also the many "Gone But Not Forgotten" reminders, as well as a sign-up for next Tuesday's potluck.

FAITH
Man, this is just messed up. Shame B had to miss out on this.

Back at the Scooby House, Buffy, Willow, Xander and Dawn are in the living room, looking irritated. The Television in front of them patiently scrolls a massive list of channels and what they are currently playing.

BUFFY
We are SO not watching Voyager.

XANDER
But it's the episode where the doctor makes a hologram of this woman to save her life and he winds up falling in love with the hologram. It's a classic.

BUFFY
Yes, and it's a classic that you could watch with an antenna. We have satellite now. We should be watching satellite-worthy things. Like Sabado Gigante.

DAWN
What?! That's a Spanish show. (Buffy looks at her as if wondering what the point is. Dawn explains very patiently, as though to a child) It's not in English? You don't even know what the title means!

BUFFY
I do so! It means... Uh, 'Big Sabado'. And you should be supporting my attempts to be multicultural.

DAWN
You can absorb other cultures and watch Iron Chef. And, hey, you might learn how to cook while you're at it.

WILLOW
Oo! The Learning Channel has a documentary on nanotechnology, put together by the British about German and Swiss researchers. (She beams) That's three times the multicultural goodness.

The others look at her as if she has asked them to each swallow a live mollusk.

WILLOW
Oh, so a Star Trek episode you've seen a dozen times, a very strange and incomprehensible foreign variety show, and a cooking contest with—(she looks at the guide on the screen)—conger eels is okay, but an actual learning experience? THAT gets me the crazy girl look?

The four of them break down into arguing, and their voices mingle into an incoherent mix. Just as they reach the heights of it, the reception on the TV starts to flicker. The group simultaneously turns to the TV with a hesitant, almost begging look as the picture gets worse. After a few seconds, it goes completely to static.

DAWN
Not again.

BUFFY
Okay, Xander, back outside. We need our fix, so you need to fix it.

Grudgingly, Xander starts for the door.

XANDER
Suddenly I'm thinking an evening of throwing myself off the roof would be more enjoyable.

Into the decimated and vacant ruins of the business, the Boss slowly steps. From the other side of the room comes Norg. The Boss leans over and picks up a piece of rubble.

BOSS
Why did they have to break our "Best Up and Coming Force of Darkness" plaque? That's just harsh.

NORG
Doth our inthuranth coverth acth of Thlayer?

BOSS
Somehow I doubt it. Those underwriter guys are sneakier than I am.

The Boss moves along, trudging through bodies, broken tables and chairs, and chunks of stone and plaster from the building itself. He stops and takes a look around him.

BOSS
Maybe it's time to look into a new line of business.

NORG
Cuthtomer Thervith, perhapth?

The Boss shivers visibly.

BOSS
Ugh, even I'M not that evil.

(cut to black)